My friends been hurt enough, thats for sure. But how shoudl i do it? I geel so horrible/guilty.I dont know what to do. Hayden. family pictures on the wall. I wish i felt the way i did three years ago. So excited to learn every single thing about jerry. Where did that excitement go to? We come home, eat, watch tv and play with hayden then go to sleep. I used to see the love in his eyes each time he looked at me. Now we're both too tired/busy to spend time together like before. We love eachother, yes. I wish we could laugh so easily like before. I regret all the times i didnt laugh at his stupid jokes. Why am i always the jokester around people at work but so serious and stern when im at home? Whats wrong with me? I need to stop living in the past. Itd be lovely to have sunlight through out the house when we move. Itd be cheery. I want hayden to have a swing outside to push him in. I want out of this apartment so bad. Its so depressing here. I need a hug. I need a massage. I need a tissue. Ill be 21 in july. Id love to have a get together. I hate how he always goes to the computer to look at fish stuff instead of sitting with me. Maybe i should turn off thecable and internet so we'd all be forced to do fun things. Why am i not losing weight? Im trying th ehardest without any results. I wish i had a bible for idiots thats written like how we talk today. I want to get married outside near a pond. A pretty white sun dress would suit me just fine. grant could pull hayden down the isle in a little white wagon, maybe. when are these braces coming off. i hate them. i hate this apartment. I want a real pretty family picture of us. I need to clean. What should i do? necisito creer. but ive always felt silly. theres so many doubts and i dont know enough to ballance that with truths. i want a professional camera. I took awesome photos of demetrias new baby. they used some for her birth announcements. marthas due in two months. i hate my haircut. I feel so stupid and awkward. Lisa gave me pink fuzzy handcuffs for valentines. Its nice to have a friend who thinks thats funny but still has the balls to go to the checkout lane with them. Shes awesome. I feel like im slacking. three teeth with another about to break through. hes getting so big. its depressing to think that one day, he wont need me to comfort him. Why cant we win the lottery? Why cant i paint these horrible depressingly dark walls? Why cant i get rid of this lump in my throat?
Friday, February 13, 2009
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4 comments:
Oh Amber, I'm so saorry you are feeling this way. EVeryone does at times in their lives, but it sucks bad! Things will happen. You are both tired and working hard for the future. I know you. You will find a way to get in touch with Jerry again. Maybe you need ot get a babysitter and go on a date once a week. Even if you just go home and spend time without Hayden. He is a incredible boy, but you both need to fill each other's hearts up or you will find that you are giving it all to him and leaving nothing for yourself. I love you and will be glad to help/babysit anytime. Just let me know. Love mom
amber, oh,my goodness. I'm so sorry you feel like this. I really truly am. And, I know that's it no true comfort, but we all go through days, weeks, times like that. I literally cried all day a couple of mondays ago. Today, I couldn't really tell you why, but on that monday, man - the world was ENDING! Jerry loves you - but he's a man and, well, and three years is just the amount of time to have things get tough. Find a tv show you both like. For some reason, when Troy and I sit down to laugh at the office together...it feels right. And Money, no matter how much of it you have, will always be a pain. Well, it has been for me anyway. And there will never come a day where Hayden doesn't need his mom. He may act like he doesn't, but he will always, always need you to comfort him, love him, be there for him.
You are so amazing Amber. You are! I have always loved your sense of humor, and your ability to laugh and be goofy. I love your you-ness. And so does everyone else.
Bad days, the ones where literally every thought leads to one worse, are inevitable sometimes. But without the bad ones, the good ones wouldn't be near as refreshing.
Love you!
(and this should have been an email, its so long. Sorry!)
A, so sad for you that things are looking grim and bleak. As your mom and j said we all have days/weeks/years like that. So, don't be too hard on you or your life. It will get better. One thing is for certain that things will CHANGE. I love all of your hopes for the next place you will live. Hang on to those hopes, write them in a journal and pray. God will open a way. In the meantime, I will pray for you!
Look up the song..."While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. Oh, man, this is a really great song! Fireproof the movie would also be a great encouragement to you. You are welcome to borrow our copy.
Hugs!
Love,
T
Amber, I just hurt for you having such a down day. I have been there and remember it well--life just looks so bleak, no breaks in the clouds at all for the sun to shine through. BUT, it is amazing just what even a good nights sleep will do to lift your spirits. Just know you are not alone--we ALL have days like this. And I agree with Jenny, it is the bad days that make you appreciate the good days so much more. And it is in the hard, difficult bad times that you grow.
I agree with Tania--watch the movie Fire Proof--with Jerry. It is a great, uplifting movie. I will be so happy to watch Hayden so you can Jerry can go out on a date. I'll even come stay at your house so you don;t have to move Hayden when he's sleeping. You will get out of that apartment. Do pray about this. God wants us to talk to him about everything--the good and the bad--just talk to him, ask him for what you want, share your dreams (even though he already knows them). God wants to give us the desires of our hearts. But he wants our hearts, too, for us to have a close relationship with him. I know you want to believe, I know you are struggling. Anyway I can help you I will be glad to. There is just nothing more comforting than knowing you can talk to God and spill all your troubles and worries at his feet. I love you so much and hate to see you so sad and hurting. I promise you though, this too shall pass. Jerry loves you deeply, we can all see that. You are beautiful and wonderful and so special to all of us. We love you. Gema
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