Worried, stressed

We got the approval for the first application for jerrys immigration status. Im starting to get really nervous and jittery about the whole thing. Now that we got the first application approved, we'll send off the second application- along with the huge application fee they charge. Once that is approved- normally about 2-3 months- theyll give him his interview date. The interview's will be in Ciudad Juarez. Its one of the most dangerous cities in the world according to some magazine i was looking at. Two drug cartels/gangs are rivaling and theyre continually finding dead mutilated bodies in parks, side of the roads, etc. Thing is, its not just gang members being murdered- its children, women, men. He'll be in cuidad Juarez for four-five days while he gets a physical done by a contracted doctor that works with the government there. After his first interview, he can go to his mothers house in Mexico City while he waits for the second interview in 2-4 wks. Then he'll go back to Juarez for the second interview. At the second interview theyll either approve him, deny him, or tell him they need more time to decide. The lawyer said that he wont be denied bc he doesnt have any police record etc. If they approve him, ill have to pay another huge fee, then theyll mail him his visa and passport and he'll be able to come home the next week once everything is received by him.

Im just so worried about everything right now. Im worried that Ill be getting calls from crazy men saying they have my husband and I have to send money for him to be released. Im worried that he'll be put in the "need more time" pile and i wont be able to see him for who knows how long. Im scared that with him gone i wont be able to do everything i need to to take care of the house and hayden and the fees for every single thing thats needed.

Have i mentioned i HATE being home alone at night without him? Too many CSI and Criminal Mind episodes have been etched into my brain and I stay up all night long swearing that creak I heard must have been footsteps of some psychopath murderer there to chop me up. Am i nuts?

Its just so stressful. When i think too much about it my heart starts racing and I get a knot in my throat. I try to stay positive about it and not think about what COULD happen and isntead think about the plans we hve for when we return. Cruises, New York, Hawaii, etc. But what will i do when I have to say goodbye to him while not knowing when Ill see him again? I keep imaging what Hayden will say each night when his dad's not there to give him his baths like he normally does or wake him up in the morning to get dressed.

I knew going into this relationship with Jerry that eventually we would have to go through this. I just... didnt know it would be so dangerous, hard and stressful. It was selfish of me to have a baby before getting this done. Haydens not going to know what is goign on and that's hurting me even more.