Christmas

We had a great christmas. It wasnt stressful to prepare for and i had so much fun just watching everyone. I loved that Hayden actually got that the presents were for him from other people. Ive got to say- once we unpacked his loot at home I saw four or five things that I hadnt seen him open. Like a Leap Frog toy... I thought hayden had smuggled it out of Aubies house. Jerry got me a LookBook- which is acopycat of the Kindle. I love it. A lot. Apparently it has bad reviews compared with the Kindle but so far im digging it. Im currently reading Little Women. Ive never actually read the book- just watched the movie- and ive got to say the book is a lot better. I was bummed that Gema, don, and Beki had to leave so early :( no late night card/domino games.

On a side note.. ive been looking at classes at ACC for cake/pastry design. Ive been doing a lot of cakes for strangers and im really liking it. Also baking for Christmas was super fun, i love being able to do something that allows me to be creative and get money from it. The melted snowmen cookies that I made for haydens school fundraiser all sold :) along with the snowmen kabobs. And ive always loved baking. I really enjoyed working at the bakery.. when the boss wasnt there and Lisa would show me tips and how to decorate cakes. Ive always been afraid to choose one thing that I want to do the rest of my life.. how is that even possible, right? But I always go back to baking. So.. im considering the ACC courses. Realistically i wouldnt be able to start until 2012 after Jerry gets back, but itd be worth it. Plus they have bakery management classes which would be awesome. I just keep thinking that Id love to open my own little bakery but I have no idea where I would open it at. Here in Marble Falls theres HEB, Walmart, and Brothers.. which seems like more than enough for this small town. Am i wrong? and Burnet is .. well.. depressingly down. I like Marble Falls. Maybe jerry could convert the garage to a kitchen with work tables and I could just do cakes on the side. Who knows. So much to think about.

Sorry.. im rambling.

Back to the main topic,
Christmas was very very good. It was fun having Jennifer, Mace, Grace and Zane there. Grace is so big.. shes actually able to play cards without having to have us walk her through each play.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas!

First let me start off with saying thank you for everyones prayers, kind words, and letters. It was nice to know that people were ready to help during this time. Thank you so much.

I'm doing okay. The pain isn't as bad, though I catch myself tearing up now and again. Mainly when I picture certain things. Mom walking into the ER room, translating to Jerry what the doctor just said. A friend/doctor I work with gave me a book called Empty Arms. Its a womans story of her going through a miscarriage and how she turned to God for help. I normally just can't get into self-help books but one of the first chapters had the following quote that just made so much sense to me. The first days after we lost the baby, I cried so much. It calmed one day, but then I would burst into tears after thinking too much.

"Grief is like a long and winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape... Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isnt a circular trench. But it isnt. There are partial recurrences but the sequence doesnt repeat."- C.S. Lewis

I know that Ill get through this. I just dont know when. After reading this quote I felt.. i cant explain it. Hope? I've had so many people tell me their personal experiences with miscarriages but this book goes into the emotions and nitty gritty and for some reason just really clicked with me. Im glad I started reading it.

I dont know why it was planned by Him for my pregnancy to be cut short, but im know that its part of something bigger. Im still sad that we werent able to see the dreams that we had for this baby come true, I will be for a while. The images of a chunky five month old posing with hayden under next years christmas tree wont become reality. It hurts, but all I can do is hope and pray that we'll be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next year.

Thank you all for being here for me. I love you all.

I lost the baby Thursday. It happened so fast and yesterday and today its really hit me bad. Just typing these words make me start crying but i need to get it out so i figure this can work.

Thursday morning was when it started. I woke up feeling not so nauseous for the first time in a while. Jerry and I had sex. immediately afterwards I started feeling a cramping sensation in my stomach. I wasnt too worried at first because I had had stomach aches these past couple of weeks bc of not being able to eat a lot from being so nauseous. I didn't even bother blowdrying my hair because bending over was too uncomfortable. I got hayden ready and took him to school. He got out of the car himself because "mommy tummy hurts".
When I got to work I began to get a bad headache and sweaty. I sat down and felt a wet sensation in my underwear. I already knew something was really wrong. I had never felt this bad before. I went to the bathroom and saw there was light bleeding. My heart was racing. I slowly stood up, washed my hands, and walked to Martha's office. I didnt want other people to freak out about it. I didnt want to see their worried faces because I was already freaking out enough for everyone. I closed martha's door and told her that I feel like crap and need to make a doctors appointment. She just looked at me and said only "you look really pale." I couldnt admit to her that I was bleeding. I couldnt admit that something wrong was happening to me. Ive always felt like I had great control of my body. Things like this dont happen to me. I fought back tears as I left her office, walked to mine, grabbed my cell phone and dialed the doctor and made my way into the employee lunchroom for privacy. I was huddled over the counter, cramping bad, when my doctors nurse came on the phone and told me "It sounds like you couldhave a bad UTI. Come in right now, the doctor will be here in thirty minutes". I hung up thinking "UTI? Okay, maybe this is something that wont effect the baby too bad". I remember looking at my phone and wondering if I should call Jerry. I know he would be just as scared as I am. I did. I started to cry and told him there was blood. Not just cramping and headache. I had taken him to work that morning, so he asked if I was able to go pick him up so that he could be with me. I said yes, went to go get my purse, and mumbled to someone that I had a doctors appointment and Martha was covering my duties.
When I started driving, the pain was at its worse. I couldnt sit in a normal sitting position. I had one leg pressed so hard against the floorboard that I thought it would bust through, I was sitting with only one hip on the seat. But i wanted Jerry to be with me. The UTI diagnosis didnt fit. I already knew.
Once we made it to the doctors office, I had to sit down outside the elevator. I felt so light headed and couldnt get a good breath. I put my head between my knees and inhaled like my high school nurse had shown me once. Jerry pressed the button for the elevator and we went to the second floor where I thought my doctor was at. I grasped the counter and lightly asked where my doctor was. "Downstairs on the left". I looked at the lady with desperate eyes and turned around to make our way back to the elevator. Jerry pressed the button, again, and I knew i wasnt going to make it. The doors opened and I just remember falling onto the elevator floor. I couldnt breathe. Jerry kept asking "Amber, whats wrong?" as he knelt down beside me.
Luckily there was a wheelchair by the elevator door when it opened again. Jerry grabbed it and helped me in. At that same time a nurse came out and saw me, asked what was wrong, then told him to push me into this room. I heard her int he hallway yelling "Dr. Craig, theres a woman, ten weeks pregnant, just fainted in the elevator". The doctor came in, saw hunched over in the chair and said "Oh Amber, lets get you lying down, it'll help with the pain." The nurse came into the room, pulling the ultrasound kit behind her. I was told to lower my pants below my hips to allow him to see the baby. The baby was still there. The heartbeat was still strong. I closed my eyes and said thanks while the doctor looked for the cause of my pain. I told him how the pain had started after the sex. I told him about the bleeding. He told me that the baby looked fine, but that there was a tear in the placenta that was causing blood to pool up behind it. He told me that he was going to give me some IV fluids and wanted to keep me for a while. Another nurse came in with the fluids. They hooked me up and left. After a while I began to feel so cold. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. Jerry covered me up with our jackets. It was so cold. Three hours later and two IV bags finished, I asked to go to the restroom. I could feel the bleeding when I got up. It was worse. I told the nurse and she only said "ooh, ill get you a pad". Afterwards, I was told to lie down again so the doctor could take my blood pressure and pulse. He told me that he was going to send me home, but that I needed to take it very easy. He said something about the blood buliding up could cause enough pressure tha tit would cut off the nutrients for the baby and ultimately cause me to lose it. We went home. I felt a little better. The cramping wasnt as bad.
It was about 2:00 when we got home. I layed down on the couch, exhausted and in pain. Jerry sat beside me and stroked my hair. He made me eat something. I fell asleep. At four Jerry went to go pick up some medicine and to get hayden. I stumbled into my room so that Hayden wouldnt be able to see me. The stomach cramps were getting so bad. My head was pounding, I could barely open my eyes. Jerry returned with the meds. One was for nausea duriing pregnancy. I remember thinking "huh, that would have been nice to have these past four weeks" as I tossed it aside. At five my doctor called me to check on how I was doing. I told him that the pain was much worse. He said that if I start to bleed more, to go to the hospital in llano. But if its just stomach pain to take tylenol to help and that hed see me first thing in the morning otherwise. People kept calling me. I didnt want to talk. I was too worried and in too much pain to try and be polite. At about six thirty I started passing large clots. I told that I wanted to go to the hospital. He started getting things ready. Hayden climbed into bed with me and layed down next to me. He said "Tummy hurts?" and started rubbing my belly for me. I smiled and kissed him on the head and held him close. I felt so bad. Hayden kissed me back and said "All better". I got up to go the restroom to get a new pad. Thats when it happened. I just felt everything let go. I looked down and was staring at my feet in a pool of blood and tissue. I felt blood streaming down my legs. I screamed for Jerry. I heard hayden yelling that mommys hurt. Then I saw it. All i could think was that babycenter.com's images were really good. Jerry was asking if he should call 911. Hayden was just waiting outside the bathroom door. I told him that I felt better, let just drive. I told him "I lost the baby". He just looked so scared. We dropped hayden off at dads. Mom was on her way to pick him up to take him for a few days. Jerry drove me to the hospital where they gave me more IV fluids and did some painful procedures. The doctor on call was nice. He talked a lot. I just wanted to go home. Mom and Gema showed up and sat with me until I was discharged.

When we finally got home, I cried. Jerry held my hand and told me that while I was in the hospital he had called his dad and his dad had told him a story about a man andhis son. The man had a son who grew up and turned bad. The son was voilent and hateful to others. The father shut himself in a room and prayed for weeks for God to save his son from evil and show his son how to be a good, caring man. The father didn't eat, he just prayed. One day news was brought to him that his son had died. After hearing about the death, the father got up, and went to eat. The people asked him why he had prayed and starved himself while his son was fine, but once his son died, the man was fine to eat. The father said that while his son was living he could pray and hope God would show his son the right way to live. But once death came, no matter how much he prayed his son was ultimately in the hands of God and could not be revived. Then Jerry said that while he hurt and was sad because we lost the baby, God had him now and as much as he cries and prays, he knew that he wouldnt have the baby living inside me again. He said he was happy that I was still okay and that he had to focus on getting me to be better.
On Friday I had to go into the doctors again. He wanted to do another ultrasound to make sure there wasnt any remaining tissue that could cause infection. While they wheeled in the kit again, I couldnt help but think "maybe its still there. Maybe there were two babies and only one was lost. That'd explain the extreme nausea and vomiting i suffered from." I knew it was stupid to think, but I couldnt help it. Of course the screen was empty as he rolled the handpiece over my stomach. I already knew I had lost most of it at the house. The image was burned into my mind. He mentioned that there were some small clots but that a DNC wasnt necessary, instead he'd prescribe some medicine that would help expell it. He asked if we had any questions. I asked what he thought caused the tear of the placenta in the first place. Once I asked, i knew he was conflicted with telling us. He started with "You know, I really dont want you to blame yourselves. But in this case the baby had implanted so low that when you had sex it actually caused damage to it. You wouldnt have known until your first ultrasound". Then he went on stating some statistics. He mentioned that there would have been issues had the pregnancy continued bc it was so low. He said that if we wanted to try again, all we would have to do is wait until after my body goes through a period by itsself. I just couldnt stop thinking that because of something we did, the baby was gone. How do you not feel guilty about that?

We drove home. Jerry made me some soup to eat. We watched Twilight. When it was over I started to cry. People texted me saying that I could try again and get pregnant quite fast after miscarriages. But I wanted this baby. The one that made me throw up at 7 am on the dot if I hadnt eaten yet. The one that I mumbled to when I was trying not to vomit while cooking. The one i traced circles and hearts for on my pooched out stomach while i watched TV. The baby I saw waving at me on the monitor of the ultrasound kit on Thursday morning. I wanted this one. I was already in love with this one. Yes, we'll try for another baby. But it wont be the same. I wont use any of the names I thought about with this baby. It just wouldnt be right.

Im feeling better today. My stomach hurts and is tender to the touch, but its already back to its flat position. Just another reminder that theres nothing in there.

I've cried a lot in these past days. I cant get the image of my feet in my favorite sandals standiing in a pool of blood or jerrys scared face as he took it all in. I hate to even go into my bathroom because thats all I see when I walk in there.

Hayden's still at mom's house. Ive been so emotional and I dont want him to see me crying every hour. It just happened all so fast. One day i was nausous and pregnant. The next it was all gone. It just doesnt seem fair.

gagalicious

well. im pregnant. No doubt about it.
I totally jinxed myself. "I feel good! No morning sickness or anything, just tired!"
Then it hit.

Ive been dealing with nausea all day long. Literally.. All day long. If I don't have something in my mouth, I start to feel like im going to puke. If i stand up for too long, I start dry heaving. It's bad. I don't remember it being so bad with Hayden.

I havent cooked since thanksgiving. We've been surviving on soup and burritos. The kitchens a wreck and I dont care. Is that horrible? I just feel so tired and naseaous that Id rather look at a pile of dishes then try to stand up long enough to wash them. I washed them last week, and threw up twice while doing so. Yuck. Jerry helps but its just not the same. I find the bowls where the cutting boards should be and the pots with the plates.

Today I do feel better though.. I havent thrown up, which is a good sign.

Jerry thinks its a girl since my symptoms are so much worse than with Hayden. We like the name of Hannah. or Isabella. I cant think of any boy names yet. I really think Jack would be a cute name. or Max. But ive always liked Michael too. Or Fonzie.
Jk about Fonzie..