First let me start off with saying thank you for everyones prayers, kind words, and letters. It was nice to know that people were ready to help during this time. Thank you so much.

I'm doing okay. The pain isn't as bad, though I catch myself tearing up now and again. Mainly when I picture certain things. Mom walking into the ER room, translating to Jerry what the doctor just said. A friend/doctor I work with gave me a book called Empty Arms. Its a womans story of her going through a miscarriage and how she turned to God for help. I normally just can't get into self-help books but one of the first chapters had the following quote that just made so much sense to me. The first days after we lost the baby, I cried so much. It calmed one day, but then I would burst into tears after thinking too much.

"Grief is like a long and winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape... Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isnt a circular trench. But it isnt. There are partial recurrences but the sequence doesnt repeat."- C.S. Lewis

I know that Ill get through this. I just dont know when. After reading this quote I felt.. i cant explain it. Hope? I've had so many people tell me their personal experiences with miscarriages but this book goes into the emotions and nitty gritty and for some reason just really clicked with me. Im glad I started reading it.

I dont know why it was planned by Him for my pregnancy to be cut short, but im know that its part of something bigger. Im still sad that we werent able to see the dreams that we had for this baby come true, I will be for a while. The images of a chunky five month old posing with hayden under next years christmas tree wont become reality. It hurts, but all I can do is hope and pray that we'll be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next year.

Thank you all for being here for me. I love you all.