Blog Challenge Day 4-Chomp chomp

48 Hours Earlier...
 



Blog Challenge Day 3

Day three of my personal blog challenge. This in the bathroom.

I actually unrolled the tissue and put two of these so that after the first person went in, the second one to use the bathroom would also be surprised. However, the first person to go in apparently got both of them. *chuckle*

Response from Liz:

Blog Challenge Day 2

If you have no idea what my challenge is about, please read yesterdays post for all the details.

Day Two: 

 Heh.

15 day personalized blogging challenge

Today I cleaned out the Junk room with only minimal amounts of stuffing and hiding junk under bigger junk to make it seem like said junk as, in fact, organized. AND I sent a birthday poem every hour (or tried to) to Jennifer for her birthday.. so I'm feeling accomplished and am going to finally start my blog challenge that I've been meaning to put up for a while. I made it up myself... so it might be lame for you but I'll still be laughing at it next Wednesday just thinking about it. Basically I have fifteen funny/goofy/dumb pictures/activities that I will be recreating at my place of employment. After I do each one, I will post pictures and reactions to it. I'm hoping it'll get me to blog some more and since I think each one is simply hilarious Ill be wanting to post it. So, without further delay.. I present you with:

                                     Yes, I spent thirty minutes on this picture.





Friday was supposed to be my first post. However, a two tiered Elmo cake demanded all of my time so I'm late.

So, today's post is:

I actually posted this on facebook a couple of weeks ago, but it was my plan to use it for this. I posted this on a Monday afternoon after patients were done. I was so excited to show somebody but, as I ran around the office giggling uncontrollably (because, remember, I think its great) I soon realized I was all alone.

I'm all alone, theres nobody here besiiddeeee me.

At one point as I was gathering my junk/purse, I heard a noise and screamed out "KAREN!" and ran towards the sound but it was just the water pump. I left feeling dejected and deflated, bummed that no one was here to witness the sign. I knew that the next day people would notice it and laugh.

No one noticed it.

I had to literally stand there and giggle at it until someone saw it.
The reactions:
Amanda (low amount of sense of humor): Why does it say Nina? Oh.. it doesn't say that? I don't get it.
Christie: What if they try to use it?
Karen: Hahahahaha. (We then plan on dressing in black to pose like super ninjas. Photos to follow)
Mother of patient: O.o *takes out camera phone and inconspicuously takes a picture*
Office Manager, Christina: I like your sign.
Kids/Patients: Is that a real exit?
Father of patients: If you want to get stuck in a tube and wait to be rescued.
Kids: O.O

Big Catch

Hayden hasnt stopped talking about his fish since catching it on Sunday. He swears that it was "this big" (imagine Haydens arms stretched out as far as they go).




IDK why its on its side??

 

Thoughts

So we've been trying to get pregnant since the end of January. So far, zilch. Last month was hard for me. I thought about it constantly. Every day id go to work and think "i could be pregnant" then id freak myself out with "what if todays the day im supposed to get pregnant and Im not?!". I'd be driving home in my car, hear a sad song or see something outside and id just start bawling bc I wanted to know if I was. Constantly thinking and praying about getting pregnant. I know your not supposed to overly think it. It says so everywhere. not to obsess about it. But how can you not think about something that you think about all the time?

When I got pregnant last it was so easy. One try and *boom* the deed was done. It was two blessings- one because we really wanted another baby and two because it helped as 'proof' that I couldnt move to Mexico. Part of the process for Jerrys papers requires a 'waiver' to permit him to come back as soon as he is approved instead of staying years in mexico as punishment for coming here illegaly. Something you have to state in the waiver is 1- why you need him here and 2- why you couldnt move to mexico and live there instead of staying here- and it has to be better than 'all my family is here bc all his family is there in  mexico. So when I got pregnant we were obviously excited about the second child but i was relieved because I had something to keep me here. I want to have another baby so bad. And the timing would be so right and it would work out perfectly if I were to get pregnant now.

And after I say all that im also really scared to get pregnant again. After having the miscariage im cursed now to be constantly worried throughout the future pregnancies. What if something goes wrong? With hayden time flew by and I wasnt worried a bit. I was pregnant one day  then I had a baby. It seemed to go by that fast. Im scared that once i do get pregnant Ill be so nervous about doing anything that might cause harm to the baby that Ill be walking aroundn with five foot pillow bumpers around me and the time will be torture because ill just be waiting for the day until i can exhale and know that the baby is safe and in my arms. Does that make sense? I want it. but then im scared to see the positive pregnancy test because i dont want to feel the overwelming grief of losing something that was so precious to me.

Am i rambling or does it get my point across?

I just.. really need some prayers now if you have time to throw some out there for us.

Thanks everyone.

Cirque du soleil

Blahh.. I have nothing of importance to write about. so im posting a picture of a cake i just finished. its cirque du soleil theme and my first attempt at making people- let alone people that are balanced on poles. i hate the big "40" but its too late to take it off bc i airbrushed the color on and taking it off... would just be catastrophic.

Practice makes perfect

I was looking through my old blog cake pictures earlier today to add the pictures to my new baking blog :Sugar Castles- sugarcastlescakes.blogspot.com . I found this picture of a cake I did for a bridal shower in 2008. Now, mind you, when I did this cake I thought it was hard. It was a challenge for me and i remember worrying about it as I made it.It didnt come out horrible, it was okay. For a beginner. The edges of the fondant are lumpy. The outline of the ribbon isnt straight. Everyone loved it at work.

But then I looked at my most recent cake. It was a birthday cake for the doctor I work for. I searched online until i found something I was excited to create. A real challenge for me. I worreid about it, yes. But I now think the first cake above- the shower one- would be so EASY and boring to make now. I like the two-tiered cakes and stacking and thinking of little accessories to put on top. Isnt it neat how you can learn to do things by yourself, without training? Brothers Bakery taught me some things, sure. But most of what I learned is by trial and error. This hobby is so fun. :) (Please excuse the counter behind the cake, i should have cleaned it off before taking this picture!)

mexia shirts again?

I was thinking about doing shirts for the reunion this year again, anyone interested? Adam gave me an idea about doing a capture the flag theme this year so this is what i thought up:
What do you think? the people who make the shirts will clean up the image. I can keep brainstorming. if you dont like this. I was thinking white ink on grey/black/red shirts/blue shirts.

Christmas

We had a great christmas. It wasnt stressful to prepare for and i had so much fun just watching everyone. I loved that Hayden actually got that the presents were for him from other people. Ive got to say- once we unpacked his loot at home I saw four or five things that I hadnt seen him open. Like a Leap Frog toy... I thought hayden had smuggled it out of Aubies house. Jerry got me a LookBook- which is acopycat of the Kindle. I love it. A lot. Apparently it has bad reviews compared with the Kindle but so far im digging it. Im currently reading Little Women. Ive never actually read the book- just watched the movie- and ive got to say the book is a lot better. I was bummed that Gema, don, and Beki had to leave so early :( no late night card/domino games.

On a side note.. ive been looking at classes at ACC for cake/pastry design. Ive been doing a lot of cakes for strangers and im really liking it. Also baking for Christmas was super fun, i love being able to do something that allows me to be creative and get money from it. The melted snowmen cookies that I made for haydens school fundraiser all sold :) along with the snowmen kabobs. And ive always loved baking. I really enjoyed working at the bakery.. when the boss wasnt there and Lisa would show me tips and how to decorate cakes. Ive always been afraid to choose one thing that I want to do the rest of my life.. how is that even possible, right? But I always go back to baking. So.. im considering the ACC courses. Realistically i wouldnt be able to start until 2012 after Jerry gets back, but itd be worth it. Plus they have bakery management classes which would be awesome. I just keep thinking that Id love to open my own little bakery but I have no idea where I would open it at. Here in Marble Falls theres HEB, Walmart, and Brothers.. which seems like more than enough for this small town. Am i wrong? and Burnet is .. well.. depressingly down. I like Marble Falls. Maybe jerry could convert the garage to a kitchen with work tables and I could just do cakes on the side. Who knows. So much to think about.

Sorry.. im rambling.

Back to the main topic,
Christmas was very very good. It was fun having Jennifer, Mace, Grace and Zane there. Grace is so big.. shes actually able to play cards without having to have us walk her through each play.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas!

First let me start off with saying thank you for everyones prayers, kind words, and letters. It was nice to know that people were ready to help during this time. Thank you so much.

I'm doing okay. The pain isn't as bad, though I catch myself tearing up now and again. Mainly when I picture certain things. Mom walking into the ER room, translating to Jerry what the doctor just said. A friend/doctor I work with gave me a book called Empty Arms. Its a womans story of her going through a miscarriage and how she turned to God for help. I normally just can't get into self-help books but one of the first chapters had the following quote that just made so much sense to me. The first days after we lost the baby, I cried so much. It calmed one day, but then I would burst into tears after thinking too much.

"Grief is like a long and winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape... Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isnt a circular trench. But it isnt. There are partial recurrences but the sequence doesnt repeat."- C.S. Lewis

I know that Ill get through this. I just dont know when. After reading this quote I felt.. i cant explain it. Hope? I've had so many people tell me their personal experiences with miscarriages but this book goes into the emotions and nitty gritty and for some reason just really clicked with me. Im glad I started reading it.

I dont know why it was planned by Him for my pregnancy to be cut short, but im know that its part of something bigger. Im still sad that we werent able to see the dreams that we had for this baby come true, I will be for a while. The images of a chunky five month old posing with hayden under next years christmas tree wont become reality. It hurts, but all I can do is hope and pray that we'll be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next year.

Thank you all for being here for me. I love you all.

I lost the baby Thursday. It happened so fast and yesterday and today its really hit me bad. Just typing these words make me start crying but i need to get it out so i figure this can work.

Thursday morning was when it started. I woke up feeling not so nauseous for the first time in a while. Jerry and I had sex. immediately afterwards I started feeling a cramping sensation in my stomach. I wasnt too worried at first because I had had stomach aches these past couple of weeks bc of not being able to eat a lot from being so nauseous. I didn't even bother blowdrying my hair because bending over was too uncomfortable. I got hayden ready and took him to school. He got out of the car himself because "mommy tummy hurts".
When I got to work I began to get a bad headache and sweaty. I sat down and felt a wet sensation in my underwear. I already knew something was really wrong. I had never felt this bad before. I went to the bathroom and saw there was light bleeding. My heart was racing. I slowly stood up, washed my hands, and walked to Martha's office. I didnt want other people to freak out about it. I didnt want to see their worried faces because I was already freaking out enough for everyone. I closed martha's door and told her that I feel like crap and need to make a doctors appointment. She just looked at me and said only "you look really pale." I couldnt admit to her that I was bleeding. I couldnt admit that something wrong was happening to me. Ive always felt like I had great control of my body. Things like this dont happen to me. I fought back tears as I left her office, walked to mine, grabbed my cell phone and dialed the doctor and made my way into the employee lunchroom for privacy. I was huddled over the counter, cramping bad, when my doctors nurse came on the phone and told me "It sounds like you couldhave a bad UTI. Come in right now, the doctor will be here in thirty minutes". I hung up thinking "UTI? Okay, maybe this is something that wont effect the baby too bad". I remember looking at my phone and wondering if I should call Jerry. I know he would be just as scared as I am. I did. I started to cry and told him there was blood. Not just cramping and headache. I had taken him to work that morning, so he asked if I was able to go pick him up so that he could be with me. I said yes, went to go get my purse, and mumbled to someone that I had a doctors appointment and Martha was covering my duties.
When I started driving, the pain was at its worse. I couldnt sit in a normal sitting position. I had one leg pressed so hard against the floorboard that I thought it would bust through, I was sitting with only one hip on the seat. But i wanted Jerry to be with me. The UTI diagnosis didnt fit. I already knew.
Once we made it to the doctors office, I had to sit down outside the elevator. I felt so light headed and couldnt get a good breath. I put my head between my knees and inhaled like my high school nurse had shown me once. Jerry pressed the button for the elevator and we went to the second floor where I thought my doctor was at. I grasped the counter and lightly asked where my doctor was. "Downstairs on the left". I looked at the lady with desperate eyes and turned around to make our way back to the elevator. Jerry pressed the button, again, and I knew i wasnt going to make it. The doors opened and I just remember falling onto the elevator floor. I couldnt breathe. Jerry kept asking "Amber, whats wrong?" as he knelt down beside me.
Luckily there was a wheelchair by the elevator door when it opened again. Jerry grabbed it and helped me in. At that same time a nurse came out and saw me, asked what was wrong, then told him to push me into this room. I heard her int he hallway yelling "Dr. Craig, theres a woman, ten weeks pregnant, just fainted in the elevator". The doctor came in, saw hunched over in the chair and said "Oh Amber, lets get you lying down, it'll help with the pain." The nurse came into the room, pulling the ultrasound kit behind her. I was told to lower my pants below my hips to allow him to see the baby. The baby was still there. The heartbeat was still strong. I closed my eyes and said thanks while the doctor looked for the cause of my pain. I told him how the pain had started after the sex. I told him about the bleeding. He told me that the baby looked fine, but that there was a tear in the placenta that was causing blood to pool up behind it. He told me that he was going to give me some IV fluids and wanted to keep me for a while. Another nurse came in with the fluids. They hooked me up and left. After a while I began to feel so cold. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. Jerry covered me up with our jackets. It was so cold. Three hours later and two IV bags finished, I asked to go to the restroom. I could feel the bleeding when I got up. It was worse. I told the nurse and she only said "ooh, ill get you a pad". Afterwards, I was told to lie down again so the doctor could take my blood pressure and pulse. He told me that he was going to send me home, but that I needed to take it very easy. He said something about the blood buliding up could cause enough pressure tha tit would cut off the nutrients for the baby and ultimately cause me to lose it. We went home. I felt a little better. The cramping wasnt as bad.
It was about 2:00 when we got home. I layed down on the couch, exhausted and in pain. Jerry sat beside me and stroked my hair. He made me eat something. I fell asleep. At four Jerry went to go pick up some medicine and to get hayden. I stumbled into my room so that Hayden wouldnt be able to see me. The stomach cramps were getting so bad. My head was pounding, I could barely open my eyes. Jerry returned with the meds. One was for nausea duriing pregnancy. I remember thinking "huh, that would have been nice to have these past four weeks" as I tossed it aside. At five my doctor called me to check on how I was doing. I told him that the pain was much worse. He said that if I start to bleed more, to go to the hospital in llano. But if its just stomach pain to take tylenol to help and that hed see me first thing in the morning otherwise. People kept calling me. I didnt want to talk. I was too worried and in too much pain to try and be polite. At about six thirty I started passing large clots. I told that I wanted to go to the hospital. He started getting things ready. Hayden climbed into bed with me and layed down next to me. He said "Tummy hurts?" and started rubbing my belly for me. I smiled and kissed him on the head and held him close. I felt so bad. Hayden kissed me back and said "All better". I got up to go the restroom to get a new pad. Thats when it happened. I just felt everything let go. I looked down and was staring at my feet in a pool of blood and tissue. I felt blood streaming down my legs. I screamed for Jerry. I heard hayden yelling that mommys hurt. Then I saw it. All i could think was that babycenter.com's images were really good. Jerry was asking if he should call 911. Hayden was just waiting outside the bathroom door. I told him that I felt better, let just drive. I told him "I lost the baby". He just looked so scared. We dropped hayden off at dads. Mom was on her way to pick him up to take him for a few days. Jerry drove me to the hospital where they gave me more IV fluids and did some painful procedures. The doctor on call was nice. He talked a lot. I just wanted to go home. Mom and Gema showed up and sat with me until I was discharged.

When we finally got home, I cried. Jerry held my hand and told me that while I was in the hospital he had called his dad and his dad had told him a story about a man andhis son. The man had a son who grew up and turned bad. The son was voilent and hateful to others. The father shut himself in a room and prayed for weeks for God to save his son from evil and show his son how to be a good, caring man. The father didn't eat, he just prayed. One day news was brought to him that his son had died. After hearing about the death, the father got up, and went to eat. The people asked him why he had prayed and starved himself while his son was fine, but once his son died, the man was fine to eat. The father said that while his son was living he could pray and hope God would show his son the right way to live. But once death came, no matter how much he prayed his son was ultimately in the hands of God and could not be revived. Then Jerry said that while he hurt and was sad because we lost the baby, God had him now and as much as he cries and prays, he knew that he wouldnt have the baby living inside me again. He said he was happy that I was still okay and that he had to focus on getting me to be better.
On Friday I had to go into the doctors again. He wanted to do another ultrasound to make sure there wasnt any remaining tissue that could cause infection. While they wheeled in the kit again, I couldnt help but think "maybe its still there. Maybe there were two babies and only one was lost. That'd explain the extreme nausea and vomiting i suffered from." I knew it was stupid to think, but I couldnt help it. Of course the screen was empty as he rolled the handpiece over my stomach. I already knew I had lost most of it at the house. The image was burned into my mind. He mentioned that there were some small clots but that a DNC wasnt necessary, instead he'd prescribe some medicine that would help expell it. He asked if we had any questions. I asked what he thought caused the tear of the placenta in the first place. Once I asked, i knew he was conflicted with telling us. He started with "You know, I really dont want you to blame yourselves. But in this case the baby had implanted so low that when you had sex it actually caused damage to it. You wouldnt have known until your first ultrasound". Then he went on stating some statistics. He mentioned that there would have been issues had the pregnancy continued bc it was so low. He said that if we wanted to try again, all we would have to do is wait until after my body goes through a period by itsself. I just couldnt stop thinking that because of something we did, the baby was gone. How do you not feel guilty about that?

We drove home. Jerry made me some soup to eat. We watched Twilight. When it was over I started to cry. People texted me saying that I could try again and get pregnant quite fast after miscarriages. But I wanted this baby. The one that made me throw up at 7 am on the dot if I hadnt eaten yet. The one that I mumbled to when I was trying not to vomit while cooking. The one i traced circles and hearts for on my pooched out stomach while i watched TV. The baby I saw waving at me on the monitor of the ultrasound kit on Thursday morning. I wanted this one. I was already in love with this one. Yes, we'll try for another baby. But it wont be the same. I wont use any of the names I thought about with this baby. It just wouldnt be right.

Im feeling better today. My stomach hurts and is tender to the touch, but its already back to its flat position. Just another reminder that theres nothing in there.

I've cried a lot in these past days. I cant get the image of my feet in my favorite sandals standiing in a pool of blood or jerrys scared face as he took it all in. I hate to even go into my bathroom because thats all I see when I walk in there.

Hayden's still at mom's house. Ive been so emotional and I dont want him to see me crying every hour. It just happened all so fast. One day i was nausous and pregnant. The next it was all gone. It just doesnt seem fair.

gagalicious

well. im pregnant. No doubt about it.
I totally jinxed myself. "I feel good! No morning sickness or anything, just tired!"
Then it hit.

Ive been dealing with nausea all day long. Literally.. All day long. If I don't have something in my mouth, I start to feel like im going to puke. If i stand up for too long, I start dry heaving. It's bad. I don't remember it being so bad with Hayden.

I havent cooked since thanksgiving. We've been surviving on soup and burritos. The kitchens a wreck and I dont care. Is that horrible? I just feel so tired and naseaous that Id rather look at a pile of dishes then try to stand up long enough to wash them. I washed them last week, and threw up twice while doing so. Yuck. Jerry helps but its just not the same. I find the bowls where the cutting boards should be and the pots with the plates.

Today I do feel better though.. I havent thrown up, which is a good sign.

Jerry thinks its a girl since my symptoms are so much worse than with Hayden. We like the name of Hannah. or Isabella. I cant think of any boy names yet. I really think Jack would be a cute name. or Max. But ive always liked Michael too. Or Fonzie.
Jk about Fonzie..

Guess What?

I have exciting news.. most of you already know...
Jerry and I are.. exepecting our second child! :)
We're super happy and excited and nervous.
Haydens not so super happy or excited. But he will be..


I found out last week. I was having really bad headaches on one side of my head. I decided to google my symptoms and I kept seeing information about it being common at the begining of pregnancies because of the hormone changes. So, before I made an appointment to go to the doctor, I bought a test and... surprise. Originally I was expecting a "+ -" to show up, when it showed up as "l l" i thought "well im not pregnant, so i must be dying of a brain tumor". But as I went to throw the box away, I noticed that the test, being the cheapest generic brand available, showed positive results as "l l" and negative results as " l ". So, of course, my eyes bulged out of my head and I had to call jerry. After sending him a picture of the test and spending an hour assuring him that no, I was not joking, he finally believed me.

I am so excited. Ive had baby fever for a while and, well, im just super happy.
Hayden keeps saying he wants a "baby butter" Jerry wants a girl. I dont have a preference.

How to make a Moon Cake

No.. this isnt a pretty star and moon cake. First youll need two 8'' round cakes.

Second trim the circles. Use the cake scraps to add more.. volume to the buttcheeks.

"Dirty ice" the cakes. It doesnt have to be pretty, the sole purpose of dirty icing cakes it to trap all the crumbs. Once you finish dirty icing, place cake in a freezer for five-ten minutes. The longer the better.

While the cake is in the freezer, start mixing your icings. When finished, pull cake out of the freezer. with a CLEAN spatula gently apply the skin-color icing tothe cakes. If the white icing starts pulling up, clean off your spatula with water. once you got it all covered, get a cup of water. Dip the spatula in the water, tap off any excess water, and lightly graze the top of the cake. The damp spatula wont stick to the icing and this will allow you to get rid of any ugly lines.

outline the face and arms.

Start filling in all the spaces..add little details as you go along..

Tadaaahhhhh..I made this cake for my friends birthday from work. I thought it was something different than a regular birthday cake.

Just found this picture

Cute, no?

Park

We went to a new park here in town. It opened maybe six months ago and Ive never thought to even go to it since its in.. well.. the not so nice part of town. But I never see any kids on it when i drive by and today was so pretty that I just decided to try it out. I loved it! I love how its pretty isolated and not busy. Plus theres a neat disc golf course that surrounds it. Im thinking the next location for Hayden's birthday party next year? Theres really pretty picnic tables under trees and a little stream that runs through on one side that hayden had fun looking in to. The playground its self is pretty small.. just a set of swings, toddler playscape, and a small playscape with a bunch of slides. But hayden can do all of it and i dont have to hover around him too much.

Hayden loved the biggest slide. He would go so fast, i was nervous. I kept imagining him flying off the side of it and mehaving to dive to break his fall.

Halloween 2010

Im not a big fan of Halloween. But each year I, for some reason, decide to grab a costume at the last minute to take him to a party/church carnival. This year was the same thing. I waited until the Saturday before halloween to get him his costume. Not a bright idea. Everything Walmart had was way too small for him. I asked him what he wanted to be and he kept saying "baby lion". So.. I decided to make his costume this year! I got a brown hoodie from walmart and brown sweatpants for about $10. Then I got 1/2 yard of light brown, dark brown, and a yellowish brown fabric for the mane for $5. One dollar more for a cheap sewing kit and voila. I was able to make hayden a cute costume! I looped the fabric to make his mane. The hoodie had logos on the front and side, so I made "patches" to cover them. I didnt get a picture of the finished patchwork lion, but the ones i got when i finished the hood came out cute! And all for only $16 dollars and an hour of my time. The tail was my favorite. I had light wire left over from a cake I had made and I sewed it between to pieces of felt so that I could keep the tail elevated and not let it just hang there lifeless. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. We took hayden to the First BAptist Church for a Halloween "carnival" they were doing. Basically they just had a bunch of booths for kids to play games to earn money.

Worried, stressed

We got the approval for the first application for jerrys immigration status. Im starting to get really nervous and jittery about the whole thing. Now that we got the first application approved, we'll send off the second application- along with the huge application fee they charge. Once that is approved- normally about 2-3 months- theyll give him his interview date. The interview's will be in Ciudad Juarez. Its one of the most dangerous cities in the world according to some magazine i was looking at. Two drug cartels/gangs are rivaling and theyre continually finding dead mutilated bodies in parks, side of the roads, etc. Thing is, its not just gang members being murdered- its children, women, men. He'll be in cuidad Juarez for four-five days while he gets a physical done by a contracted doctor that works with the government there. After his first interview, he can go to his mothers house in Mexico City while he waits for the second interview in 2-4 wks. Then he'll go back to Juarez for the second interview. At the second interview theyll either approve him, deny him, or tell him they need more time to decide. The lawyer said that he wont be denied bc he doesnt have any police record etc. If they approve him, ill have to pay another huge fee, then theyll mail him his visa and passport and he'll be able to come home the next week once everything is received by him.

Im just so worried about everything right now. Im worried that Ill be getting calls from crazy men saying they have my husband and I have to send money for him to be released. Im worried that he'll be put in the "need more time" pile and i wont be able to see him for who knows how long. Im scared that with him gone i wont be able to do everything i need to to take care of the house and hayden and the fees for every single thing thats needed.

Have i mentioned i HATE being home alone at night without him? Too many CSI and Criminal Mind episodes have been etched into my brain and I stay up all night long swearing that creak I heard must have been footsteps of some psychopath murderer there to chop me up. Am i nuts?

Its just so stressful. When i think too much about it my heart starts racing and I get a knot in my throat. I try to stay positive about it and not think about what COULD happen and isntead think about the plans we hve for when we return. Cruises, New York, Hawaii, etc. But what will i do when I have to say goodbye to him while not knowing when Ill see him again? I keep imaging what Hayden will say each night when his dad's not there to give him his baths like he normally does or wake him up in the morning to get dressed.

I knew going into this relationship with Jerry that eventually we would have to go through this. I just... didnt know it would be so dangerous, hard and stressful. It was selfish of me to have a baby before getting this done. Haydens not going to know what is goign on and that's hurting me even more.

:) I did it

We drove 3 hours and checked into our hotel at 11:30.
I woke up early and squeezed into my padded bicycle shorts, double sports bra, cute new biking shirt and shorts and placed on my helmet.
We met mom at the starting line.
We started ten minutes late.
Four hours later, I finished the 26 mile ride right behind mom. J Then we both devoured an Italian lunch. Yum.

I cried a little when I saw the end. I don’t know if it was because I was so proud that I had finished or that I was so grateful to not be passed out unconscious on the side of the road ten miles back- bc it almost happened...twice.

I’m so glad that I signed up for the ride, it was a really.. err.. I wouldn’t say FUN.. but enjoyable. I’m really happy that mom decided to come after all. If she hadn’t the ride would have been kind of boring. I did hold her back though, I’m a wimp on hills. The weather was perfect for a first timer. It was cloudy, had a cool breeze, and drizzled just a little. Here are some pictures:

This (above) is the trail map. We were on the yellow highlighted route. Where my grubby index finger (sorry guys, my bike chain kept falling off) is pointing- yah that’s where we thought we were currently standing. Im Pretty sure we were being generous..

This is me about halfway to the halfway stop. My face turns bright red when I’m flushed, or tired, or doing anything that makes me work my muscles. I was all three. The helmet makes me look sporty and awesome, I know.

This is a pic off a hill I had conquered.
And thats pretty much all the pictures i took. Mom was waiting for me at the top of the next hill and I was scared I was taking too long.