Thoughts

So we've been trying to get pregnant since the end of January. So far, zilch. Last month was hard for me. I thought about it constantly. Every day id go to work and think "i could be pregnant" then id freak myself out with "what if todays the day im supposed to get pregnant and Im not?!". I'd be driving home in my car, hear a sad song or see something outside and id just start bawling bc I wanted to know if I was. Constantly thinking and praying about getting pregnant. I know your not supposed to overly think it. It says so everywhere. not to obsess about it. But how can you not think about something that you think about all the time?

When I got pregnant last it was so easy. One try and *boom* the deed was done. It was two blessings- one because we really wanted another baby and two because it helped as 'proof' that I couldnt move to Mexico. Part of the process for Jerrys papers requires a 'waiver' to permit him to come back as soon as he is approved instead of staying years in mexico as punishment for coming here illegaly. Something you have to state in the waiver is 1- why you need him here and 2- why you couldnt move to mexico and live there instead of staying here- and it has to be better than 'all my family is here bc all his family is there in  mexico. So when I got pregnant we were obviously excited about the second child but i was relieved because I had something to keep me here. I want to have another baby so bad. And the timing would be so right and it would work out perfectly if I were to get pregnant now.

And after I say all that im also really scared to get pregnant again. After having the miscariage im cursed now to be constantly worried throughout the future pregnancies. What if something goes wrong? With hayden time flew by and I wasnt worried a bit. I was pregnant one day  then I had a baby. It seemed to go by that fast. Im scared that once i do get pregnant Ill be so nervous about doing anything that might cause harm to the baby that Ill be walking aroundn with five foot pillow bumpers around me and the time will be torture because ill just be waiting for the day until i can exhale and know that the baby is safe and in my arms. Does that make sense? I want it. but then im scared to see the positive pregnancy test because i dont want to feel the overwelming grief of losing something that was so precious to me.

Am i rambling or does it get my point across?

I just.. really need some prayers now if you have time to throw some out there for us.

Thanks everyone.